Survey Says....I Can't Put it Together

My wife and I dated for nearly five years before we were married, so naturally, we knew a lot about each other. In fact, where some married couples learn a lot about each other their first months, even years of marriage, my wife and I really didn't have any surprises. However, I was guilty of a rather large secret. In fact, looking back, had she known this secret, I am confident she would have went a different route.

Now, I don't know for sure, but I imagine when a woman is searching for a husband, certain criteria has to be met. In fact, I know there is. I actually surveyed 100 woman and came up with the top five things women look for in their husbands.....alright, I didn't do any research or the conducting of surveys, I've just always wanted to say that. For five seconds you actually thought I was really going all out here.

Anyway, let me get to my made-up criteria.

1. Personality

2. Looks

3. Education

4. Work Ethic

5. Fatherly Potential

At this point my wife wasn't doing half bad. I consider myself to have a decent personality, although I do realize by writing this, I look pretty full of myself, but read on and you will realize there is a little humility there too. She looked beyond #2 as well as #3, banking on my Work Ethic and Fatherly Potential to seal the deal.

But she forgot about the ever so crucial, yet, often over looked, #6. The Ability to Put Stuff Together. Boy did I have her fooled. Looking back now, I can almost guarantee you my wife would sacrifice 1-5 for a quality #6.

On the surface, #6 may not sound like a big deal, but believe me it is. Let me give you a couple examples. When my wife and I moved into our home a few years ago her parents gave us a BBQ. There was only one problem, "Assembly Required." The box said "assembled in as little as 30 minutes." Now, when they say "30 minutes" that means, 30 minutes if you were born with a pair of pliers in one hand and a 35 page instruction booklet in the other, so I was counting on an hour.

Two hours into it I decided to chuck the instructions and go directly off the picture on the box. At this point my wife started feeling bad and told me to "just finish it tomorrow." I didn't have to say anything before she turned around, shut the door and flipped on the patio lights. I was in this for the long haul.

Long story, short, four hours and 350 swear words later the thing was working like a charm....just as long as you remember the lid doesn't shut all the way and on two of the three temperature knobs "high" is "low" and vice-versa.

My second example has a happier ending. First of all, Costco Wholesale is the Devil. No, I apologize, but really, Costco, do you have to display all the kid toys, etc. fully assembled? It looks so easy sitting there in display mode, all shiny and perfect. By the looks of it, the Airplane Teeter-Totter for six looked perfect for our sandbox. Also, by the looks of it, a guy like me could tackle this bad boy in a couple hours tops. Couple of red poles here, intersected by a few yellow poles. Throw on a steering wheel and that's a wrap. NOT EVEN CLOSE! I had to be three hours in with very little progress when my neighbor felt so bad he dropped everything to help me put this plane together. I found myself getting in his way as he flew through the instructions and install. In fact I was better fit to get him a drink or hand him a tool than I was helping put it together. He made more progress in 30 minutes than I did three hours and he did it with ease.

It was a humbling experience assisting my neighbor as he put MY kids toy together, but I learned a valuable lesson; When buying a home, find out how good the neighbor is at putting stuff together. You may look like an idiot asking, but trust me, if you are like me, it's worth it. Since the Teeter-Totter, my saint of a neighbor has helped...excuse me, put together a treadmill, trampoline, fixed a fence and the list goes on and on.

Whether the ability to put things together is something you are born with or something one learns with experience, it's just not happening for me. I must have skipped that step during the creation process and experience sure hasn't done anything for me. In fact, the only thing experience has done for me has led me to lose complete interest in attempting to put something together. In fact, as of this very minute, I have a kids play house and a basketball standard in my garage still sitting in their respective boxes. Chances are, until my neighbor asks what they are, they will be sitting there for a little while longer.